Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens is stepping down, leaving an opportunity for President Obama to select a new appointee. Of course, tempers are flaring. I’m too lazy to research John Paul Stevens, but I have an inherent distrust of anyone who 1) Goes by three names and 2) Goes by three first names. John Paul Stevens is going to live out the rest of his days in a chair removing cat hair from his vest with a lint roller. He’s history. So the decision now lies on Obama. The GOP is pledging to shoot down any overtly liberal nominee. The left will become angry if Obama continues to not give in to total progressivism. What do we do? What does the country need? This is simple: Tom Arnold.
Tom Arnold is every man. Yet, at the same time, he’s bigger than any man ever. He married Rosanne, which is easily one of the biggest acts of martyrdom ever. Tom Arnold isn’t too different than John Adams. Couldn’t you see John Adams starring opposite Tim Curry in a remake of “McHale’s Navy”? Because I could. He knows what it’s like to struggle. He knows what it’s like to make serious decisions. He knows what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night and find out that someone ate all the twinkies (HE WAS SAVING THEM, DAMNIT). He also wears glasses with leopard print rims. He’s almost a hipster. Almost.
I don’t know if you know this, but kids love Tom Arnold. He was in “Soul Plane.” Kids eat that shit up. Ask them. Next, women love Tom Arnold. He’s been married 4 times. He practically has to refrain from bathing to keep the girls away. Furthermore, men love Tom Arnold too (in a very masculine way). Tom Arnold is friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger. No one is more manly than that. Even food loves Tom Arnold. And food has no feelings. Because Tom Arnold is a beloved national icon, like the Wendy’s girl and the snapple lady.
I don’t know about you, but I’d feel comfortable having Tom Arnold be the arbiter of our nation’s most important matters. Look that man in the eyes and tell me you don’t trust his judgement. Exactly. Because even a co-star of “True Lies” lies less than a politician. So why the hell not?*
*Paid for by the Tom Arnold Council for a better America
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