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This week Megan Fox was axed from the “Transformers” film series by director Michael Bay. She hasn’t complained. Why? Because it’s comparable to having some contract where you have to sit around inside the a medieval shit trench, and then somehow being pardoned and getting able to leave. Speculation suggests that it was spurred by recent comments calling Bay “Hitler.” This got me thinking.

Do we really have any proof that Bay isn’t Hitler? Let’s step back and examine some eerie similarities:

1) They both love explosions

I know most of you are familiar with Hitler’s cuddly side, but in actuality he was an avid fan of explosions. Particularly explosions that involved the Jews or Allied forces. He blew a lot of shit up. Michael Bay also seems to like explosions. Plus, I have it on good authority that Bay purposely avoids “Seinfeld” reruns, for what that’s worth.

2) Hitler had shitty taste in movies

Hitler was pretty notorious for not liking good movies. Whenever Goebbels would rent “Gone with the Wind” Hitler would flip shit and screams of “Sie täuschen! Ich sagte, “‘zu mieten; Superbabies: Babygenies 2’ ! Fleischstock-Sockenmarionette!” would be heard all throughout the Eagle’s nest. Michael Bay has similar tastes (See also: any Michael Bay movies).

3)  Kink

I saw a documentary that claimed Hitler enjoyed shitting on his secretary’s chest. Judging from that creepy smirk exhibited in the photo above, I don’t think it’s off base to say Bay might be in the same category.

4) Robot fetishes

Did you know Hitler had a robot butler? He did. Every morning it would serve him his bowl of BLITZKRIEG! (part of your balanced breakfast). Bay is noticeably turned on by robots and, occasionally, overtly racist robots.

5) Subliminal messages

When you take away “T” “R” “A” “N” “F” “O” “M” and “E” from Transformers, you are left with S.S. Has your mind just been blown? Goddamn right it has.

There are some who’d say this is all just hearsay. They’re right. But do you really want to take that chance? Do you truly want to risk having the $9 from your ticket go to funding some sort of secret robot genocide squad? Do you?? I didn’t think so.

Don’t buy a ticket to Transformers 3; don’t support neo-nazism.

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Jesse James has checked himself into rehab. Like David Duchovny and Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen before him, he’s claiming to have a problem. But unlike those other guys, by the time he gets out he’ll be able to purchase an ipad. Here are the apps Jesse will want to look into.

1) Google Maps

With this handy app, one can pinpoint the location of all nearby tattoo parlors to cruise for classy ladies sluts, and then cross reference that with nearby gas stations to purchase condoms. But you don’t have to look up hotels. You just bring them back to your garage. Like a man’s man.

2) National Socialist Match.com

In no way of affiliated with Match.com, NationalSocialistMatch.com aims to connect fun loving Aryans who enjoy long walks on the beach, skiing, and the occasional screening of “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.” You can set up your own profile (to show off your tattoos) and then receive messages from prospective dates.

3) Scrabble

For whenever your wife might be around, just bring up Scrabble and voila! You seem both intelligent and non suspicious.

4) MotorCycle Weekly/ Penthouse

The ipad allows for subscriptions to e-magazines,  none of which will appeal to the common adulterer more than these two: one about motorcycles, and one about whoring. Pretty rad.

5) Video Player

So you can watch “The Blindside” whenever you want you need to pretend like you miss your wife!

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