Dear Mr. Lucas (or his’ peons),
It has come to my attention that you’re now in the advanced stages of planning a Star Wars sitcom as well as a live action drama based on the same franchise. This is understandable, given your insatiable urge to ruin classic things. In the case of Star Wars, I don’t much care. For starters, you’ve already ruined it. Bad SW officially outnumbers good SW (if you count the Christmas special). I do care in the case of Indiana Jones, and I shan’t forget what you did to my favorite film trilogy.
But if you’re going to insist on working, which you don’t need to do, you should at least ruin things in new and exciting genres. Instead of producing things seriously that turn out to be laughably bad maybe you should shoot to produce things purposefully awful and hope they turn out to be masterpieces. And I’m here for you, George. I have the perfect project. You may or may not know that your peers have already greenlit a remake of Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” They cast Naomi Watts in the lead. Whatever. I think you can screw it up even worse than they will.
First off, forget Watts. I’m thinking Lindsay Lohan. Wait. You’re George Lucas. So, Lindsay Lohan with all CGI clothing or something. You’re welcome. Anyway, for the male lead: John Cryer. So Cryer plays a wealthy jetsetter who meets Lindsay Lohan’s character inside a crack house because he’s looking for a rare parrot on the black market. Yadda yadda yadda, you can hammer all this once you accept. Let’s get to the good stuff.
The birds will be entirely CGI, of course. Not only entirely CGI, but every bird will have the face of Tilda Swinton digitally added onto it. YES. Imagine fifty Tilda Swintons sitting on a telephone line watching you in silence. Now tell me you didn’t just shit yourself. That’s what I thought. Anyway, so Tilda Swintons are flying all over the place, pecking peoples’ eyes out and stuff. There should be a few added sequences not in the original. At least one where a guy is hitting them out of the sky with a bat. Just because that’d be fun to film. And another where a huge flock of Tilda Swintons devours a velociraptor. I trust you’ll be able to work that in.
Instead of the lame “driving off into the distance” ending, I think John Cryer should commission a scientist to build a device that can be worn like glasses and shoot lasers at the birds. The scientist will be played by David Carradine by use of stock footage that we possibly dub over with Morgan Freeman’s voice. From there, Cryer holds up in a church tower and stages a shootout with the Tilda Swinton birds. Just as he’s running out of peaches (the device runs on peaches. Duh.), Lindsay Lohan sneezes on one of the birds and realizes that puffs of cocaine mortally wound them. So they call the FBI and the government crop dusts the nation with coke and humanity wins.
That’s it. I don’t have people for you to get in touch with, so basically you have to @reply me on Twitter or leave a comment here. I understand if you’re not interested in doing these negotiations in public. You can just email me. We’ll work it out. Thanks for your time (you should really be thanking me, but whatever). Sincerely,
Kolchak
College Butter 