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Posts Tagged ‘monsters’

As you can see from this cover, this novel is the tragic story of a young, purple, gum drop-shaped boy named Gatsby. He was ostracized by family for his incessant makeup use, and thus ran away from home to find a better life for himself. At first he sought shelter in the city, but he found no kinship there. Then, one day, he met a strange masked man holding up a Wendy’s at gunpoint. The man offered Gatsby a share of his stash if he helped in the robbery, so Gatsby agreed and they slaughtered everyone and made off with $300 worth of fast food. That man was John Smith, or as you might know him, the hamburlglar. He took Gatsby to McDonaldland, where he was taken under the wing of Ronald McDonald. McDonald decided to give him a nickname because that’s what ROnald does to all of his bitches. He decided on Grimace. And a legend was born.

Ruling: Overall, I’d say this is probably a really touching and important book. Go read it.

This one is about a woman named Doritt who, despite her little frame, has an amazing ba donkadonk. Unfortunately, she was born with a rare condition in which her four fingers are stuck behind her ear in a strange position in which no normal person would be sitting. Because of the hand thing, her house is an absolute mess and she relies on the help of a hunchback man servant to do things for her. Soon they fall in love, but it is a forbidden love. For the king had decreed that hunchbacks not fornicate without the possession of a life alert bracelet (because of the risk of backs breaking). So they do it anyway. Then: tragedy. The servant is struck down by a stray golf ball, and with no identification, his body is dumped into the river. Meanwhile, Little Doritt waits for his return to give him the model ship she made for him, still unaware of the accident.

Ruling: This book is rubbish.

This one is about a three headed sea monster named Beowulf. He spent his days chilling out and arguing with himself until one day some douchebag Swedish dude rolled in and was all “WHERE’S THE MEAD?” and Beowulf was like “Excuse me, sir. But I’m trying to watch Jeopardy. I don’t drink mead. I’m a sea monster.” But the Swedish guy wasn’t having any of it. He also wasn’t having any pants. So he pulled out a bow from somewhere (it never was really stated, but I have an idea), and shot a feces arrow in Beowulf’s eye, which was totally a dick move.

In the end Beowulf knocked the swedish guy into the ocean and he drowned. But unable to live with the shame and humiliation of life under an eye patch, he kills himself by purposely lodging a cruise ship in his throat.

Ruling: I’d say it’s worth a read, if nothing else for the subtext about abortion.

This is pretty straightforward. There’s a hobo that lives in the woods. He’s wise, and everyone knows it because of his beard. But he doesn’t share any of his wisdom because he’s always in the woods looking contemplative and watching teenagers have sex. Until one day he realizes he doesn’t have much more time to live. So he begins to give away all of his earthly possessions (a comb, a member’s only jacket, used tube of chap stick). That takes five minutes. Then, having nothing else to do, he does a bunch of crossword puzzles and blow before curling up in a cave and dying.

Ruling: Pretty existential stuff, but far too hackneyed in the delivery. Kill it with fire.

 

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SO…you’re a fledgling screenwriter. You need quick money. This quick money is attainable to you. How? Syfy original movies. Ironically, writing  a Syfy original movie is also great opportunity to get nominated for an emmy start hating yourself. So we need to start at the beginning.

You can start out by choosing an inanimate object. Any old object will do. This thing, whatever you choose, will be coming to life and killing professional actors  your Applebees hosts as they scream in terror. For example, if you choose a pencil, logic dictates that your screenplay will probably end up being titled “Pencil Monster!” The exclamation point is necessary. Because surely anyone who saw a pencil monster would say so with a fair amount of conviction. So anyway, your object is going to come to life and kill people in all sorts of great ways. The next step is figuring out how.

You could always have nuclear waste haphazardly dumped on it by dubiously irresponsible employees. The most common and easiest method to explain your creatures sudden liveliness is to not explain at all. That exposition is probably going to take up valuable time for the thespians to develop their character anyway. So, essentially, just have the killings start.

Now, You don’t have to do an inanimate object. If you choose to not go that route, you’re dealing with a flesh and blood creature. It can be any living creature. Take that creature and make it 5 times bigger than it actually is. Drizzle it in blood. Then you add a “super” in front of it. So, let’s look at a regular sequence and then Syfy the shit out of that thing. Regular:

JESSIE

What could have done this?

BRIAN

I’ve seen tracks like this before. At my uncle’s cabin up North. He’d take us up there for bible studies like any other normal uncle.

JESSIE

What?

BRIAN

Never mind. The important thing is that I recognize these are squirrel tracks.

There you have it. Now the Syfy version of that same scene:

JESSIE

Im scared, Brian. What could have done this?

BRIAN

It’s okay, Jessie. I’ve seen tracks like this before. Let me take my shirt off.

JESSIE

Great idea. But what are the tracks?

BRIAN

These are the tracks of a super squirrel.

JESSIE

Let’s do it.

BRIAN

K.

See what I did there? Careful manipulation of the audience. Very delicately crafted. Now, if you go forward with this you’re going to need a sheriff. This is either an old man or a young woman. That’s how it goes. They never know anything. You can kill them if you want. But you’ll also need a cast of colorful and stereotypical townspeople characters. There’s the owner of a general store with one leg and a bucket hat. There’s an old school teacher who speaks with a lisp and collects marionettes. Whatever. These people show up sporadically and act suspicious. Example:

BRIAN

Mr. Wilkins?

WILKINS

Huh?

BRIAN

What are you doing at the aqueduct at 3 in the morning in lederhosen and clogs with a shovel and a beaker marked “secret ingredient”?

WILKINS

Hunting deer.

Suspicion attained. But note that these people are eccentric, so any one could be a red herring. Because you’re a genius. Then, your main characters (a divorced man trying to get his life back on track and a small town journalist who falls for him) will contact a specialist who deals with whatever is killing people. So, in the case of “Pencil Monster!”, a graphite guy. Or something. In the end he’s going to determine some crazy way to kill the pencil monster/super squirrel/ plastic cup demon. This should be accomplished by a really cheaply done explosion. Preferably.

So, all the time in between, you should sprinkle sequences of people finding bodies, the protagonists running around, and two conversations that are written in a way as to give the appearance of being deep when they’re really not. Other than that, it’s up to you. If you write something at leat 60 pages and follow these guidelines, your film will not only be made, but it will be played repeatedly on Saturday nights. Enjoy your money and life of guilt.

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Looks like this is a story about two seriously bored lesbians. Dissatisfied with their lives of wearing long flowing gowns and posing with their arms in unnatural positions, they set off to make a better life for themselves. Along the way they uncover prejudice against their lifestyle (I guess they go to Alabama?), but eventually emerge proud of who they are. And it looks like one of them might be reading a paper, but I’m not sure. So that’s up to interpretation. Either way, I’ll rate this as interesting.

Here we have the story of a pedophile pirate whose ship is sunk by the British navy because of all of his pillaging and molesting and stuff. He manages to escape the wreckage, but finds himself stuck inside the UK, the very place he was trying to escape. With the red coats on his trail, he takes refuge inside a cemetery with his knife and his telescope and parrot. Soon, a young boy comes to rob some graves and drink from a wine cask (his Tuesday routine) when the pirate apprehends him. He thinks this is his lucky day, and has great expectations as to what kind of deviancy he will accomplish with the boy. Except the boy was robbing graves not to sell on the black market, but instead because he’s a corpse-eating monster in the form of a boy. Will the pirate escape or get slaughtered like he deserves to? No clue. But judging from the cover, this is not a good book.

Tom Sawyer is just your average boy who can’t afford socks and enjoys painting fences while playing pocket pool. But one day, after the town is befallen by ergot poisoning, all the kids get high and become EXTREMELY interested in watching his fence painting/pelvic thrusting. One of them likes apples as well. ANd another one of them is concealing a shiv behind his back, which suggests Tom won’t make it through the end of the story. Because junkies are nuts, man. Anyway. That’s the gist of this one. Ergo: Bad story.

This is a story about Gulliver, a man who evidently has a really bizarre fetish, possibly involving sand in certain crevices. Basically he’s like the white Michael Steele. He hires people to tie him up on the beach. One day, after being tied up, the person doing the tying is swept out to sea. Gulliver is stuck there. Fortunately, TLC was having their summer bash a while down the beach. Naturally, this included a gratuitous amount of midgets, two of which ran into Gulliver. They told their friends and soon everyone was pitching in trying to untie him. Gulliver had other plans. He liked little hands all over him. So he told them to crawl on top of him in lieu of the untying. They obliged. During the process, one of them is accidentally inhaled by Gulliver, who promptly chokes to death. It’s all rather depressing. Judging by this cover, this book is for perverts.

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