Posts Tagged ‘military’

It’s that time again, folks. The time when Congress decides to back away from its promise to repeal Don’t ask, Don’t Tell,” opting instead to pander to the evangelical electorate. Sure, they haven’t said that much yet…but it’s coming. Why? Because It’s one thing to give lip service to ending a civil injustice, it’s another to actually do it. Doing it might piss off the a block of [mouth breathing] voters.

But they want to end it, right? They’re just being held back by the Republicans. Wrong. Apparently no one on either side has the balls to piss off the proselytizers. They don’t vote their morals, their conscience. They vote for a small, bigoted, percentage of the population. And it seems like very few are immune to this sentiment. Even Barack Obama has succumb to this, saying:

“I want to make sure that when we revert ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ it’s gone through a process and we’ve built a consensus or at least a clarity of what my expectations are so that it works.”

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be part of a consensus with such intolerant people. And allowing gays to openly serve in our armed forces isn’t some kind of experiment chemical agent that “may or may not work.” Liberty always works. And as for expectations, it’s simple: the expectation is for everyone to be treated the same.

In 1948 President Harry Truman signed an executive order, bypassing Congress entirely, to integrate the military. And so, just like that, all races were treated equally in the eyes of all branches of military. Curiously enough, Truman wasn’t concerned with courting the people who wanted to deny African Americans that right. He didn’t postpone it for fear that it wouldn’t work. He just did what he knew to be right.

Why has this been difficult for us? Maybe it’s because this is an issue that lacks the one thing that captivates all Americans: arbitrary celebrity involvement. So. Here’s wat we do. We get Lindsay Lohan into the military. Wait. Is she still gay? No? Okay. We get Ian McKellen, and draft him into the marines. Nobody hates Ian McKellen. He’s like your gay grandpa.


Ian McKellen looks good in uniform.

So we get Ian McKellen into the military, and we have him protest important strikes by standing in front of strategic targets yelling “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in only a pair of boxer shorts that read “No on h8.” He will be kicked out of the military. This is not a defeat.

Instead, it will cause people worldwide to say “Dude. They kicked my gay grandpa out of the military.” Instant outrage. Like the tea party with literacy, morals, a clearly defined purpose, and a propensity to wear assless chaps. A true grassroots movement revolving around Magneto (by the way, he could be used to magnetically pull the guns away from the Taliban. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE, GOVERNMENT).

Anyway, the truth is that this is actually the more complicated scenario when it comes to ending DADT. The easier option would be to cut the crap and take a stand. That doesn’t include foot dragging or flip-flopping. It just takes being decent human beings. Do we have that in us?



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Let’s stop giving Heidi Montag such a bad rap (Or wrap? I don’t care and you shouldn’t either. Keep reading.) Let’s stop mocking how she sold her soul to Satan to become famous and how her latest attempt at a music career failed miserably. You can’t go on mocking this woman for not doing anything with her life if you don’t give her some options. Let’s fix that.

Heidi has spoken openly about the multiple plastic surgeries she’s undergone. Whether you agree with her decision to undertake those surgeries or not, at least we can agree that she has a high tolerance for pain. So let’s make Heidi Montag America’s secret weapon. Theoretically, we could test large amounts of pharmaceuticals on Heidi without her even feeling any side effects. Plus, If she has a blackberry in her hands, she’ll be too distracted to even complain about those side effects. We already conduct tests on rabbits and things. Like a rabbit, Heidi is cute. She’s plastic cuddly. Plus, she presumably likes to be pet (who doesn’t?)

If that strikes you as inhumane, fear not. How about using Heidi for military purposes. If the United States is going to put mini grenade launchers inside something, it may as well be a huge pair of boobs. Nothing screams patriotism quite like that. Not to mention that there’s truly no better way to fight terror than under the guise of a masturbatory aid. If you were an evil person, you’d probably let Heidi into you hiding spot (But not for ransom. That would be a mistake). Heidi could be dropped behind enemy lines to go on classified missions and baddies with her sweater cannons. At the very least, it should be noted that this option will get her out of the country.

So mock all you want. The truth is that once Iran launches a nuke at us, you’re going to want Heidi Montag, wearing a pleather jumpsuit, parachuting into Ahmadinejad’s secret headquarters in slow motion to AC/DC music. Keep that in mind.

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