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As you can see from this cover, this novel is the tragic story of a young, purple, gum drop-shaped boy named Gatsby. He was ostracized by family for his incessant makeup use, and thus ran away from home to find a better life for himself. At first he sought shelter in the city, but he found no kinship there. Then, one day, he met a strange masked man holding up a Wendy’s at gunpoint. The man offered Gatsby a share of his stash if he helped in the robbery, so Gatsby agreed and they slaughtered everyone and made off with $300 worth of fast food. That man was John Smith, or as you might know him, the hamburlglar. He took Gatsby to McDonaldland, where he was taken under the wing of Ronald McDonald. McDonald decided to give him a nickname because that’s what ROnald does to all of his bitches. He decided on Grimace. And a legend was born.

Ruling: Overall, I’d say this is probably a really touching and important book. Go read it.

This one is about a woman named Doritt who, despite her little frame, has an amazing ba donkadonk. Unfortunately, she was born with a rare condition in which her four fingers are stuck behind her ear in a strange position in which no normal person would be sitting. Because of the hand thing, her house is an absolute mess and she relies on the help of a hunchback man servant to do things for her. Soon they fall in love, but it is a forbidden love. For the king had decreed that hunchbacks not fornicate without the possession of a life alert bracelet (because of the risk of backs breaking). So they do it anyway. Then: tragedy. The servant is struck down by a stray golf ball, and with no identification, his body is dumped into the river. Meanwhile, Little Doritt waits for his return to give him the model ship she made for him, still unaware of the accident.

Ruling: This book is rubbish.

This one is about a three headed sea monster named Beowulf. He spent his days chilling out and arguing with himself until one day some douchebag Swedish dude rolled in and was all “WHERE’S THE MEAD?” and Beowulf was like “Excuse me, sir. But I’m trying to watch Jeopardy. I don’t drink mead. I’m a sea monster.” But the Swedish guy wasn’t having any of it. He also wasn’t having any pants. So he pulled out a bow from somewhere (it never was really stated, but I have an idea), and shot a feces arrow in Beowulf’s eye, which was totally a dick move.

In the end Beowulf knocked the swedish guy into the ocean and he drowned. But unable to live with the shame and humiliation of life under an eye patch, he kills himself by purposely lodging a cruise ship in his throat.

Ruling: I’d say it’s worth a read, if nothing else for the subtext about abortion.

This is pretty straightforward. There’s a hobo that lives in the woods. He’s wise, and everyone knows it because of his beard. But he doesn’t share any of his wisdom because he’s always in the woods looking contemplative and watching teenagers have sex. Until one day he realizes he doesn’t have much more time to live. So he begins to give away all of his earthly possessions (a comb, a member’s only jacket, used tube of chap stick). That takes five minutes. Then, having nothing else to do, he does a bunch of crossword puzzles and blow before curling up in a cave and dying.

Ruling: Pretty existential stuff, but far too hackneyed in the delivery. Kill it with fire.

 

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