Posts Tagged ‘Lindsay Lohan’

It’s that time again, folks. The time when Congress decides to back away from its promise to repeal Don’t ask, Don’t Tell,” opting instead to pander to the evangelical electorate. Sure, they haven’t said that much yet…but it’s coming. Why? Because It’s one thing to give lip service to ending a civil injustice, it’s another to actually do it. Doing it might piss off the a block of [mouth breathing] voters.

But they want to end it, right? They’re just being held back by the Republicans. Wrong. Apparently no one on either side has the balls to piss off the proselytizers. They don’t vote their morals, their conscience. They vote for a small, bigoted, percentage of the population. And it seems like very few are immune to this sentiment. Even Barack Obama has succumb to this, saying:

“I want to make sure that when we revert ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ it’s gone through a process and we’ve built a consensus or at least a clarity of what my expectations are so that it works.”

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be part of a consensus with such intolerant people. And allowing gays to openly serve in our armed forces isn’t some kind of experiment chemical agent that “may or may not work.” Liberty always works. And as for expectations, it’s simple: the expectation is for everyone to be treated the same.

In 1948 President Harry Truman signed an executive order, bypassing Congress entirely, to integrate the military. And so, just like that, all races were treated equally in the eyes of all branches of military. Curiously enough, Truman wasn’t concerned with courting the people who wanted to deny African Americans that right. He didn’t postpone it for fear that it wouldn’t work. He just did what he knew to be right.

Why has this been difficult for us? Maybe it’s because this is an issue that lacks the one thing that captivates all Americans: arbitrary celebrity involvement. So. Here’s wat we do. We get Lindsay Lohan into the military. Wait. Is she still gay? No? Okay. We get Ian McKellen, and draft him into the marines. Nobody hates Ian McKellen. He’s like your gay grandpa.


Ian McKellen looks good in uniform.

So we get Ian McKellen into the military, and we have him protest important strikes by standing in front of strategic targets yelling “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in only a pair of boxer shorts that read “No on h8.” He will be kicked out of the military. This is not a defeat.

Instead, it will cause people worldwide to say “Dude. They kicked my gay grandpa out of the military.” Instant outrage. Like the tea party with literacy, morals, a clearly defined purpose, and a propensity to wear assless chaps. A true grassroots movement revolving around Magneto (by the way, he could be used to magnetically pull the guns away from the Taliban. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE, GOVERNMENT).

Anyway, the truth is that this is actually the more complicated scenario when it comes to ending DADT. The easier option would be to cut the crap and take a stand. That doesn’t include foot dragging or flip-flopping. It just takes being decent human beings. Do we have that in us?



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Dear Mr. Lucas (or his’ peons),

It has come to my attention that you’re now in the advanced stages of planning a Star Wars sitcom as well as a live action drama based on the same franchise. This is understandable, given your insatiable urge to ruin classic things. In the case of Star Wars, I don’t much care. For starters, you’ve already ruined it. Bad SW officially outnumbers good SW (if you count the Christmas special). I do care in the case of Indiana Jones, and I shan’t forget what you did to my favorite film trilogy.

But if you’re going to insist on working, which you don’t need to do, you should at least ruin things in new and exciting genres. Instead of producing things seriously that turn out to be laughably bad maybe you should shoot to produce things purposefully awful and hope they turn out to be masterpieces. And I’m here for you, George. I have the perfect project. You may or may not know that your peers have already greenlit a remake of Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” They cast Naomi Watts in the lead. Whatever. I think you can screw it up even worse than they will.

First off, forget Watts. I’m thinking Lindsay Lohan. Wait. You’re George Lucas. So, Lindsay Lohan with all CGI clothing or something. You’re welcome. Anyway, for the male lead: John Cryer. So Cryer plays a wealthy jetsetter who meets Lindsay Lohan’s character inside a crack house because he’s looking for a rare parrot on the black market. Yadda yadda yadda, you can hammer all this once you accept.  Let’s get to the good stuff.

The birds will be entirely CGI, of course. Not only entirely CGI, but every bird will have the face of Tilda Swinton digitally added onto it. YES. Imagine fifty Tilda Swintons sitting on a telephone line watching you in silence. Now tell me you didn’t just shit yourself. That’s what I thought. Anyway, so Tilda Swintons are flying all over the place, pecking peoples’ eyes out and stuff. There should be a few added sequences not in the original. At least one where a guy is hitting them out of the sky with a bat. Just because that’d be fun to film. And another where a huge flock of Tilda Swintons devours a velociraptor. I trust you’ll be able to work that in.

Instead of the lame “driving off into the distance” ending, I think John Cryer should commission a scientist to build a device that can be worn like glasses and shoot lasers at the birds. The scientist will be played by David Carradine by use of stock footage that we possibly dub over with Morgan Freeman’s voice. From there, Cryer holds up in a church tower and stages a shootout with the Tilda Swinton birds. Just as he’s running out of peaches (the device runs on peaches. Duh.), Lindsay Lohan sneezes on one of the birds and realizes that puffs of cocaine mortally wound them. So they call the FBI and the government crop dusts the nation with coke and humanity wins.

That’s it. I don’t have people for you to get in touch with, so basically you have to @reply me on Twitter or leave a comment here. I understand if you’re not interested in doing these negotiations in public. You can just email me. We’ll work it out. Thanks for your time (you should really be thanking me, but whatever). Sincerely,


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