Posts Tagged ‘Government’

It’s that time again, folks. The time when Congress decides to back away from its promise to repeal Don’t ask, Don’t Tell,” opting instead to pander to the evangelical electorate. Sure, they haven’t said that much yet…but it’s coming. Why? Because It’s one thing to give lip service to ending a civil injustice, it’s another to actually do it. Doing it might piss off the a block of [mouth breathing] voters.

But they want to end it, right? They’re just being held back by the Republicans. Wrong. Apparently no one on either side has the balls to piss off the proselytizers. They don’t vote their morals, their conscience. They vote for a small, bigoted, percentage of the population. And it seems like very few are immune to this sentiment. Even Barack Obama has succumb to this, saying:

“I want to make sure that when we revert ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ it’s gone through a process and we’ve built a consensus or at least a clarity of what my expectations are so that it works.”

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be part of a consensus with such intolerant people. And allowing gays to openly serve in our armed forces isn’t some kind of experiment chemical agent that “may or may not work.” Liberty always works. And as for expectations, it’s simple: the expectation is for everyone to be treated the same.

In 1948 President Harry Truman signed an executive order, bypassing Congress entirely, to integrate the military. And so, just like that, all races were treated equally in the eyes of all branches of military. Curiously enough, Truman wasn’t concerned with courting the people who wanted to deny African Americans that right. He didn’t postpone it for fear that it wouldn’t work. He just did what he knew to be right.

Why has this been difficult for us? Maybe it’s because this is an issue that lacks the one thing that captivates all Americans: arbitrary celebrity involvement. So. Here’s wat we do. We get Lindsay Lohan into the military. Wait. Is she still gay? No? Okay. We get Ian McKellen, and draft him into the marines. Nobody hates Ian McKellen. He’s like your gay grandpa.


Ian McKellen looks good in uniform.

So we get Ian McKellen into the military, and we have him protest important strikes by standing in front of strategic targets yelling “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in only a pair of boxer shorts that read “No on h8.” He will be kicked out of the military. This is not a defeat.

Instead, it will cause people worldwide to say “Dude. They kicked my gay grandpa out of the military.” Instant outrage. Like the tea party with literacy, morals, a clearly defined purpose, and a propensity to wear assless chaps. A true grassroots movement revolving around Magneto (by the way, he could be used to magnetically pull the guns away from the Taliban. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE, GOVERNMENT).

Anyway, the truth is that this is actually the more complicated scenario when it comes to ending DADT. The easier option would be to cut the crap and take a stand. That doesn’t include foot dragging or flip-flopping. It just takes being decent human beings. Do we have that in us?



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These days, you can’t turn on a television without hearing something about “government spending.” People are, evidently, concerned with it. And because the politicians won’t go for the rational solutions of legalizing prostitution or marijuana, they’re constantly looking for ways to get money other ways. I’ve heard talk of proposed “soda taxes” and cigarette taxes continue to rise. I do not want my Dr. Pepper to be taxed. Ergo, I have an alternative proposal.

Here in Wisconsin, hunting brings in over 200 million dollars every year. It’s a huge industry, and a great value to the state. People come from across the country to exercise their skill at shooting bullets into really dumb animals, just like our ancestors did. Thus far the state has always required hunting licenses, making hunters pay. I say we make them pay more by- ready for this? – issuing bro hunting licenses.

By issuing licenses to hunt them, we could balance state budgets while simultaneously curbing the growing bro population. These frisbee throwing fucks are ten times the nuisance deer are. I’ve never had deer in plaid shorts block my path, nor have I had deer nonchalantly sip rolling rock and ask me how much I bench.  Deer are actually pretty cool guys. Bros, however, are not. Why is society so intent on wiping out deer and letting bros reproduce exponentially? Think of the money we’d make for the state.

If we initiate this policy, college campuses across the country would be peaceful. No more would we hear the unrelenting wining of Ke$ha blasting from boom boxes. No more would we enter a parking lot to find someone in a polo pissing on the tires of our car. Instead, we’d have to deal with the occasional hunter. And there might be a little more deer walking around. But still.

Working together, we can not only better society but also patch significant budget holes. This is the future. Bullets before Bros, dude.

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For those unfamiliar, the above beacon of classiness and grace is Stormy Daniels (AKA Stephanie Clifford), best known hitherto from her appearances via the soft glow of your computer screen after everyone else has gone to bed. Recently, shaken by the stagnant economy, Stormy has began mulling the prospect of challenging incumbent Louisana senator and blatant hypocrite David Vitter. Now the AP is reporting that she will announce her decision on April 15th.

The most interesting thing about this is that she has preached sound principles. On her web site Draftstormy, she explains:

“As a dancer, she sees it on the faces of those who come to see her for a little diversion and as a leader in a multi-billion dollar industry she feels it in the loss of revenue and jobs stemming from a dangerous encroachment on the inherent guarantees of our free market system.”

Right off the bat Stormy has called for 1) tax reform and 2) removing government from the economy to let the market regulate itself. If anything, she seems much more like a Libertarian than a Democrat. Still, I think this is a good thing. Lest we forget that the founding fathers never intended for career politicians to run everything. They were farmers who  served their time in Washington and then returned to their lives. They wanted common people to be running the government. Stormy Daniels, aside from her profession, is as common as the rest of us. Maybe she can bring a much needed wake up call not to just to Louisana, but to the entire country.

It should also be noted that this is not unprecedented. Ilona Staller, a Hungarian born porn star, was elected to Italian parliament in 1989 and enjoyed a successful tenure.

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