Check out this stud. Does he look familiar? You think you’ve seen him on a popular reality show? Or perhaps playing professional football? Maybe staring into your eyes from across a crowded coffee shop? Well you’re wrong. This Barry Van Dyke, son of the immortal Dick Van Dyke. That’s right. Caractacus fucking Potts, my friends. Mr. Toot Sweets himself. This is his offspring.
So you may ask yourself…”Why haven’t I seen this guy more? He clearly has devilishly good looks and impeccable acting chops.” Well, I don’t know either. But I’m pretty sure it has something to do with an illuminati plot to cancel “Diagnosis Murder.” Mostly because the Illuminati hate Scott Baio, which is admirable. Still. After that, Barry has pretty much been lying low. And if we can’t officially blame the Illuminati, I have no choice but to blame TMZ.
TMZ, with their self righteous correspondents waiting inside Geo prizms up to their knees in big mac wrappers for days to get a shot of Cameron Diaz. TMZ, with their fancy glasses of coca cola and their bendy straws. TMZ, with their refusal to treat Heidi Montag like the delicate queen that she is. And yet, it seems they have no time for Barry Van Dyke. LOOK AT THAT MAN’S LEATHER JACKET. Then tell me whether or not you think he belongs on television. The answer, obviously, is hell yes.
I think you’re missing out on an opportunity to increase your viewership by tenfold, particularly in the old women demo. And really, that’s the demo you need to capture anyway. Old ladies love Barry Van Dyke. Aspercreme and Barry Van Dyke. And okra. But mostly Barry Van Dyke. I believe I’ve made my case perfectly clear. You TMZ people are signing your cancellation by neglecting a celebrity of his caliber. Good day.
College Butter 