Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

It’s that time again, folks. The time when Congress decides to back away from its promise to repeal Don’t ask, Don’t Tell,” opting instead to pander to the evangelical electorate. Sure, they haven’t said that much yet…but it’s coming. Why? Because It’s one thing to give lip service to ending a civil injustice, it’s another to actually do it. Doing it might piss off the a block of [mouth breathing] voters.

But they want to end it, right? They’re just being held back by the Republicans. Wrong. Apparently no one on either side has the balls to piss off the proselytizers. They don’t vote their morals, their conscience. They vote for a small, bigoted, percentage of the population. And it seems like very few are immune to this sentiment. Even Barack Obama has succumb to this, saying:

“I want to make sure that when we revert ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ it’s gone through a process and we’ve built a consensus or at least a clarity of what my expectations are so that it works.”

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be part of a consensus with such intolerant people. And allowing gays to openly serve in our armed forces isn’t some kind of experiment chemical agent that “may or may not work.” Liberty always works. And as for expectations, it’s simple: the expectation is for everyone to be treated the same.

In 1948 President Harry Truman signed an executive order, bypassing Congress entirely, to integrate the military. And so, just like that, all races were treated equally in the eyes of all branches of military. Curiously enough, Truman wasn’t concerned with courting the people who wanted to deny African Americans that right. He didn’t postpone it for fear that it wouldn’t work. He just did what he knew to be right.

Why has this been difficult for us? Maybe it’s because this is an issue that lacks the one thing that captivates all Americans: arbitrary celebrity involvement. So. Here’s wat we do. We get Lindsay Lohan into the military. Wait. Is she still gay? No? Okay. We get Ian McKellen, and draft him into the marines. Nobody hates Ian McKellen. He’s like your gay grandpa.


Ian McKellen looks good in uniform.

So we get Ian McKellen into the military, and we have him protest important strikes by standing in front of strategic targets yelling “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in only a pair of boxer shorts that read “No on h8.” He will be kicked out of the military. This is not a defeat.

Instead, it will cause people worldwide to say “Dude. They kicked my gay grandpa out of the military.” Instant outrage. Like the tea party with literacy, morals, a clearly defined purpose, and a propensity to wear assless chaps. A true grassroots movement revolving around Magneto (by the way, he could be used to magnetically pull the guns away from the Taliban. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE, GOVERNMENT).

Anyway, the truth is that this is actually the more complicated scenario when it comes to ending DADT. The easier option would be to cut the crap and take a stand. That doesn’t include foot dragging or flip-flopping. It just takes being decent human beings. Do we have that in us?



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As British Petroleum continues its frantic bid to plug the oil leak at the bottom of the ocean like a small child desperately trying to ram a square peg into a round hole, no one seems to know who to blame. BP doesn’t want to blame itself, yet has failed thus far to come up with a suitable alternative scapegoat. Being the corporate shill that I am, I got this. If BP is going to survive this thing there’s only one thing to lie blame on: Plankton.

You can’t blame BP for trying to get the oil out of the ground. There’s a market demand for that. What you can TOTALLY blame is Plankton, without which we wouldn’t have oil to begin with. Think about this. If Plankton hadn’t been such lazy fucks and discovered a way to not die, crude oil wouldn’t exist (also, plankton would probably rule the world). But no. What did they do? They pretty much just sat around and then died, leaving their carcasses to be ravaged by time and turned into petroleum (next time you load a porn site and reach into the vaseline jar, think of the billions of plankton that died for your dirty, dirty habit.)

So, BP throws a couple billion dollars into the rounding up and executing of plankton. Imagine BP executives smiling as they cut the ribbon on a brand new Plankton death camp on the front page of the New York Times. That’s great press.  People need to understand that Plankton A) drop the ball by not contributing society during life, and B) created the very oil that is spilling into the ocean at this moment. In essence, Plankton need to become more universally hated than the Nazis or Ke$ha. It’s a tall order, but it’s possible.

So there you have it. I believe I’ve proven time and time again that I’m a public relations master, and I can’t quite understand why more CEOs don’t follow my advice in this area. I’m pretty damn good at weaseling out of things. Case in point: I’m the one who ate your last brownie. But I had to because I needed to up my blood sugar level. So you can’t be mad at me. See? BANG. Done.

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James Carville would make a terrific comic book villain.

Charles Krauthammer could have halloween masks molded from himself.

Frank Luntz could be a professional Perez Hilton impersonator.

Paul Begala may be that obnoxious guy in the corner office who says hi to everyone in the morning.

Bill Kristol could be just a regular, creepy, uncle.

John Stossel would continue his duties as vigilante crime fighter “The Stoss” by night.

Rachel Maddow could star in a series of Mac advertisements.

Ed Schultz could play Sam the butcher when the Brady Bunch Movie 3D is released.

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There are people in society who, at this very instant, are seeking to perpetuate your slow demise. They want to murder your children in a slow, horrible, painful way and you’re completely surrounded by them. The barbarians do so all under the guise of “smoking.” These are ungrateful, ignorant, people who somehow believe that they can do whatever they like with their bodies (which, by the way, is pretty much the antithesis of being American). They continue to assert this despite the fact that there  is of documented evidence are some more than dubious tests to show that passive smoke may increase the risk of cancer.

I, a non-smoker, feel these injustices have occurred for far too long. I will not have my god given right to not be smoked around deprived from me (That’s in the constitution. Look it up.) So, I’d like to propose a massive counter protest to make sure we never have to inhale smoke again. I’ve given this some thought, and there are a few different options we could go.

The first is a really crazy one. I was in the shower this morning, minding my own business, and upon looking down found two long stumps growing from my torso. I know, right? I was all “What the fuck is this?”  Turns out, I can actually manipulate these things to maneuver away from where the smoke is. Holy shit. Breakthrough. But then I realized that this wasn’t enough. After all, what if there’s a person with just a torso surrounded by smokers? Who is protecting these torso people?

Well, the second option is the biggie. A constitutional amendment. Think about how beautiful the world would be if we all had the right to not be around things we didn’t like? I could jail up that douchebag in my multimedia course who does that half-assed drumming thing with a pencil on the rim of his desk. Men who order iced strawberry drinks at Starbucks in the morning can be thrown into cages. I can ban your ass fron Twitter even if I don’t receive your updates. LOL. It’s going to be amazing. But wait. What if the politicians don’t go for it?

I have a backup plan. How can we even get a bigger message to all those deviant public smokers? Two words: mass suicide. That will show them, right?  But it also hits multiple birds with one stone. Effective immediately after your death, you no longer have to worry obsessively about running into someone smoking on the street. Your potential-future-might-have-been health problems are put to bed. Just like that. It’s like a huge,  non- nicotine stained, middle finger to smokers. Imagine the look on their faces (Seriously. Imagine, because you’ll be way too dead to actually see it.) If smokers refuse to acknowledge our right to not be around smoke, we can show them how we exercise our right to not live.

It’s just an idea, anyway. Mull it over and get back to me. We can make a difference, you and I. We can show those bastards.

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As you know, Obamacare has passed. The death panels are probably being assembled as we speak.  It’s anybody’s guess as to what sinister move is being plotted in Washington right now in regards to your body, but you know that the plotting stage has begun. Well i’m pretty sure that I know where they’re going with this whole “health insurance reform” thing. Toe nails.

Toe nails are incredible. Have you ever taken a cut toe nail and bent it between your fingers? They’re very flexible. Not only that, but when layered they’re nearly impenetrable. So, what I’m trying to say here is this: the government is quite possibly going to sneak into your home at night,  collect your toe nail clippings, and assemble them into some sort of organic toe nail warrior. Don’t ask me about specifics. I’m not a nuclear physicist. What I am is a visionary. And if I think this technology is possible, someone else does too.

Please burn your toe nail collection before it is doused in nuclear waste and shipped to Iraq to run special ops. Please. For the good of the world.

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Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens is stepping down, leaving an opportunity for President Obama to select a new appointee. Of course, tempers are flaring. I’m too lazy to research John Paul Stevens, but I have an inherent distrust of anyone who 1) Goes by three names and 2) Goes by three first names. John Paul Stevens is going to live out the rest of his days in a chair removing cat hair from his vest with a lint roller. He’s history. So the decision now lies on Obama. The GOP is pledging to shoot down any overtly liberal nominee. The left will become angry if Obama continues to not give in to total progressivism. What do we do? What does the country need? This is simple: Tom Arnold.

Tom Arnold is every man. Yet, at the same time, he’s bigger than any man ever. He married Rosanne, which is easily one of the biggest acts of martyrdom ever. Tom Arnold isn’t too different than John Adams. Couldn’t you see John Adams starring opposite Tim Curry in a remake of “McHale’s Navy”? Because I could. He knows what it’s like to struggle. He knows what it’s like to make serious decisions. He knows what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night and find out that someone ate all the twinkies (HE WAS SAVING THEM, DAMNIT). He also wears glasses with leopard print rims. He’s almost a hipster. Almost.

I don’t know if you know this, but kids love Tom Arnold. He was in “Soul Plane.” Kids eat that shit up. Ask them. Next, women love Tom Arnold. He’s been married 4 times. He practically has to refrain from bathing to keep the girls away. Furthermore, men love Tom Arnold too (in a very masculine way). Tom Arnold is friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger. No one is more manly than that.  Even food loves Tom Arnold. And food has no feelings.  Because Tom Arnold is a beloved national icon, like the Wendy’s girl and the snapple lady.

I don’t know about you, but I’d feel comfortable having Tom Arnold be the arbiter of our nation’s most important matters. Look that man in the eyes and tell me you don’t trust his judgement. Exactly. Because even a co-star of “True Lies” lies less than a politician. So why the hell not?*

*Paid for by the Tom Arnold Council for a better America

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For those unfamiliar, the above beacon of classiness and grace is Stormy Daniels (AKA Stephanie Clifford), best known hitherto from her appearances via the soft glow of your computer screen after everyone else has gone to bed. Recently, shaken by the stagnant economy, Stormy has began mulling the prospect of challenging incumbent Louisana senator and blatant hypocrite David Vitter. Now the AP is reporting that she will announce her decision on April 15th.

The most interesting thing about this is that she has preached sound principles. On her web site Draftstormy, she explains:

“As a dancer, she sees it on the faces of those who come to see her for a little diversion and as a leader in a multi-billion dollar industry she feels it in the loss of revenue and jobs stemming from a dangerous encroachment on the inherent guarantees of our free market system.”

Right off the bat Stormy has called for 1) tax reform and 2) removing government from the economy to let the market regulate itself. If anything, she seems much more like a Libertarian than a Democrat. Still, I think this is a good thing. Lest we forget that the founding fathers never intended for career politicians to run everything. They were farmers who  served their time in Washington and then returned to their lives. They wanted common people to be running the government. Stormy Daniels, aside from her profession, is as common as the rest of us. Maybe she can bring a much needed wake up call not to just to Louisana, but to the entire country.

It should also be noted that this is not unprecedented. Ilona Staller, a Hungarian born porn star, was elected to Italian parliament in 1989 and enjoyed a successful tenure.

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