Archive for November, 2010

As you can see from this cover, this novel is the tragic story of a young, purple, gum drop-shaped boy named Gatsby. He was ostracized by family for his incessant makeup use, and thus ran away from home to find a better life for himself. At first he sought shelter in the city, but he found no kinship there. Then, one day, he met a strange masked man holding up a Wendy’s at gunpoint. The man offered Gatsby a share of his stash if he helped in the robbery, so Gatsby agreed and they slaughtered everyone and made off with $300 worth of fast food. That man was John Smith, or as you might know him, the hamburlglar. He took Gatsby to McDonaldland, where he was taken under the wing of Ronald McDonald. McDonald decided to give him a nickname because that’s what ROnald does to all of his bitches. He decided on Grimace. And a legend was born.

Ruling: Overall, I’d say this is probably a really touching and important book. Go read it.

This one is about a woman named Doritt who, despite her little frame, has an amazing ba donkadonk. Unfortunately, she was born with a rare condition in which her four fingers are stuck behind her ear in a strange position in which no normal person would be sitting. Because of the hand thing, her house is an absolute mess and she relies on the help of a hunchback man servant to do things for her. Soon they fall in love, but it is a forbidden love. For the king had decreed that hunchbacks not fornicate without the possession of a life alert bracelet (because of the risk of backs breaking). So they do it anyway. Then: tragedy. The servant is struck down by a stray golf ball, and with no identification, his body is dumped into the river. Meanwhile, Little Doritt waits for his return to give him the model ship she made for him, still unaware of the accident.

Ruling: This book is rubbish.

This one is about a three headed sea monster named Beowulf. He spent his days chilling out and arguing with himself until one day some douchebag Swedish dude rolled in and was all “WHERE’S THE MEAD?” and Beowulf was like “Excuse me, sir. But I’m trying to watch Jeopardy. I don’t drink mead. I’m a sea monster.” But the Swedish guy wasn’t having any of it. He also wasn’t having any pants. So he pulled out a bow from somewhere (it never was really stated, but I have an idea), and shot a feces arrow in Beowulf’s eye, which was totally a dick move.

In the end Beowulf knocked the swedish guy into the ocean and he drowned. But unable to live with the shame and humiliation of life under an eye patch, he kills himself by purposely lodging a cruise ship in his throat.

Ruling: I’d say it’s worth a read, if nothing else for the subtext about abortion.

This is pretty straightforward. There’s a hobo that lives in the woods. He’s wise, and everyone knows it because of his beard. But he doesn’t share any of his wisdom because he’s always in the woods looking contemplative and watching teenagers have sex. Until one day he realizes he doesn’t have much more time to live. So he begins to give away all of his earthly possessions (a comb, a member’s only jacket, used tube of chap stick). That takes five minutes. Then, having nothing else to do, he does a bunch of crossword puzzles and blow before curling up in a cave and dying.

Ruling: Pretty existential stuff, but far too hackneyed in the delivery. Kill it with fire.



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It’s that time again, folks. The time when Congress decides to back away from its promise to repeal Don’t ask, Don’t Tell,” opting instead to pander to the evangelical electorate. Sure, they haven’t said that much yet…but it’s coming. Why? Because It’s one thing to give lip service to ending a civil injustice, it’s another to actually do it. Doing it might piss off the a block of [mouth breathing] voters.

But they want to end it, right? They’re just being held back by the Republicans. Wrong. Apparently no one on either side has the balls to piss off the proselytizers. They don’t vote their morals, their conscience. They vote for a small, bigoted, percentage of the population. And it seems like very few are immune to this sentiment. Even Barack Obama has succumb to this, saying:

“I want to make sure that when we revert ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ it’s gone through a process and we’ve built a consensus or at least a clarity of what my expectations are so that it works.”

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be part of a consensus with such intolerant people. And allowing gays to openly serve in our armed forces isn’t some kind of experiment chemical agent that “may or may not work.” Liberty always works. And as for expectations, it’s simple: the expectation is for everyone to be treated the same.

In 1948 President Harry Truman signed an executive order, bypassing Congress entirely, to integrate the military. And so, just like that, all races were treated equally in the eyes of all branches of military. Curiously enough, Truman wasn’t concerned with courting the people who wanted to deny African Americans that right. He didn’t postpone it for fear that it wouldn’t work. He just did what he knew to be right.

Why has this been difficult for us? Maybe it’s because this is an issue that lacks the one thing that captivates all Americans: arbitrary celebrity involvement. So. Here’s wat we do. We get Lindsay Lohan into the military. Wait. Is she still gay? No? Okay. We get Ian McKellen, and draft him into the marines. Nobody hates Ian McKellen. He’s like your gay grandpa.


Ian McKellen looks good in uniform.

So we get Ian McKellen into the military, and we have him protest important strikes by standing in front of strategic targets yelling “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in only a pair of boxer shorts that read “No on h8.” He will be kicked out of the military. This is not a defeat.

Instead, it will cause people worldwide to say “Dude. They kicked my gay grandpa out of the military.” Instant outrage. Like the tea party with literacy, morals, a clearly defined purpose, and a propensity to wear assless chaps. A true grassroots movement revolving around Magneto (by the way, he could be used to magnetically pull the guns away from the Taliban. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE, GOVERNMENT).

Anyway, the truth is that this is actually the more complicated scenario when it comes to ending DADT. The easier option would be to cut the crap and take a stand. That doesn’t include foot dragging or flip-flopping. It just takes being decent human beings. Do we have that in us?


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