Archive for March, 2010

Somewhere between American Culture deteriorates into a vast mashup of Michael Bay style explosions and cinnamon rolls served on sticks,  people decided they could no longer sit through 120 minute motion pictures. Apparently sitting and having a story unfold before your eyes is too passive. It’s like reading a book, and we go to the movies to avoid reading books, amiright? Fuck that shit. So instead we decided to intiate a series of gimmicks to make people feel more involved. William Castle, master of schlock horror, perfected this to an art with pictures like “The Tingler” where seats would send a jolt to audience members at specific moments and “House on Haunted Hill”, where an inflatable skeleton flew over the audience. Soon, dismissed as impractical and ineffective, we stopped that. Unfortunately, the mentality still resurfaces every so often.

Today’s equivalent of “The Tingler” is the 3D being forced down cinemagoers throats at every turn. The studios are pushing for every piece of mass marketable crap to be produced in 3D. Why? Because it makes them money. For a mere 3-4 dollars extra, you can experience your movie in three gloriously dull dimensions!The studios are concerned with profit, not the artistic quality of the product they’re pushing out. In the end, that 3D effect adds nothing, and actually detracts.

3D enthusiasts will argue that the gimmick betters the experience. These are the type of people that purchase products they already have at an increased price because of a difference in color scheme.  They are riddled with ADD and an inability to grasp the finer aspects of what’s going on. These are the people who loudly ask the person next to them “How is that guy still alive?” because they were too arguing about the merits of ghost riding the whip via text message. If you need to have things thrown at you to enjoy a movie, you have no business watching movies. Go to a Gwar concert or something.

And above all: it doesn’t work. Look! JASON JUST POINTED HIS MACHETE RIGHT. AT. YOU. Scared? Probably not. Because you’re watching a movie.  The 3D effect doesn’t make it seem any less real. Hell, you have people next to you eating nachos. There is no sense of danger. In fact, the entire concept adds a self referential element that takes people out of the movie. Not to mention the glasses diluting the vibrancy of the colors (which is counterproductive because the movies in 3D are typically thought to have the best special effects).

Don’t let the studios railroad you into believing this is somehow better. It’s not. Intelligent film-goers will run away from it. Fast.


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For those unfamiliar, the above beacon of classiness and grace is Stormy Daniels (AKA Stephanie Clifford), best known hitherto from her appearances via the soft glow of your computer screen after everyone else has gone to bed. Recently, shaken by the stagnant economy, Stormy has began mulling the prospect of challenging incumbent Louisana senator and blatant hypocrite David Vitter. Now the AP is reporting that she will announce her decision on April 15th.

The most interesting thing about this is that she has preached sound principles. On her web site Draftstormy, she explains:

“As a dancer, she sees it on the faces of those who come to see her for a little diversion and as a leader in a multi-billion dollar industry she feels it in the loss of revenue and jobs stemming from a dangerous encroachment on the inherent guarantees of our free market system.”

Right off the bat Stormy has called for 1) tax reform and 2) removing government from the economy to let the market regulate itself. If anything, she seems much more like a Libertarian than a Democrat. Still, I think this is a good thing. Lest we forget that the founding fathers never intended for career politicians to run everything. They were farmers who  served their time in Washington and then returned to their lives. They wanted common people to be running the government. Stormy Daniels, aside from her profession, is as common as the rest of us. Maybe she can bring a much needed wake up call not to just to Louisana, but to the entire country.

It should also be noted that this is not unprecedented. Ilona Staller, a Hungarian born porn star, was elected to Italian parliament in 1989 and enjoyed a successful tenure.

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Ah, yes. “The Music Man” is 1962’s timeless classic about a transient, older, man who tries to coerce large groups of children into bending to his will. I’m not going to debate the subtle pedophiley-ness. Instead, I am here to ponder the merits of one of the film’s central pieces, a song called “Iowa Stubborn.” In this song, the people of Iowa talk at length about what douchebags they are, and then plead for Professor Harold Hill to “give them a try” in spite of it.

Having never traveled to Iowa and having no desire to, I’m going to form all of my opinions on them based on this film. I submit that these Iowans are clearly mentally disturbed or, at the very least, socially retarded. Why would they flamboyantly sing their flaws to newcomers in a spontaneous dance number? If you’re going to do that, at least wait until after the person agrees to stay. Common sense. Who knows how many others have been driven away by the abrasiveness of these Iowans? They’re losing revenue because of they don’t want to hide that they’re assholes.  Meanwhile, the rest of us go on pretending we’re not.

Fuck you, Iowa. I’m not playing your petty broadway mind games. I’m never visiting you, and I’m never buying tickets if your NAMBLA boy bands go on tour.

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Purchasing a Zune has ruined my life. Every time I walk into Starbucks and see the rows of MacBooks, I am tormented by the knowledge that I’ll never be able to use them.As I walk down the street I am met with vicious, profanity laced, tirades from men in black turtle necks and glasses. People in sweater vests give me the finger. Since my Zune purchase, I have been asked by no less than thirty two people to do spread sheets for them.

Yesterday, I was pulled over. As the officer approached my window I turned the volume down on my stereo. I asked what I had done wrong and he told me that I had outdated tags.  I made a move to close my glove compartment and he caught me, directing me to exit the car. I did. He spent sixty seconds going through my Buick before emerging with the Zune, which I had tucked inside my glove before he approached. He held it to my face and asked me what it was. “That’s a Tazmanian ipod,” I told him. “Bullshit,” he replied, delivering a swift kick to my ribs. He ended up confiscating my car and breaking my nose.

Two weeks ago I attended a child’s birthday party. During the interim between the cake and the pinata game, I turned on my Zune to listen to the radio and get the latest baseball scores.  I was inside the bath tub with the curtain closed. Someone entered. I thought I had locked the door. Alas. Timmy, a local boy, pulled the curtains open. Screaming, my hands were thrown up. Within seconds I was swarmed by a band of 6 year old knaves, beating me with a wooden pinata bat.

Thanks, Microsoft. Thanks a lot. Now I’ll never fit in.

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Dear Mike,

Is it okay if I call you mike? I’m going to anyway. I digress. It seems that your tenure as the chairman of the Republican National Committee hasn’t gone so well, Mike. Under your watch the party has lost the presidential elections. You’ve failed to get the public in your corner on the health care bill (even when they were skeptical of the way it was passed). You’ve been fiscally irresponsible and disregarded the platform of the very party you represent. Even in February, your party’s best month in years, you failed to raise significant funds. And now you’re in the midst of a controversy involving RNC funds being used to pay for trips to a bondage club.

Naturally, you immediately began to distance yourself from this episode. The staffer who submitted the request for reimbursement was fired. You denied being present at the bondage club at any point. You say that someone else did it. But listen, Mike. You are in charge of the committee. If you truly weren’t there, you had to have seen this. You had to approve it. If not, either way you completely dropped the ball. Luckily for you, I am an extremely altruistic person by nature. As such I am prepared to help you. Here’s the proposal:

1) Stop back peddling. You did it. I know that as a politician it is your job to lie, but you got caught this time.

2) Embrace this. The Republican Party, as it is now, is pretty much unelectable anyway. Why throw away $1,900 on shitty posters and commercials with old people kissing babies when you could spend that money on strippers?

3) Learn from it. Overnight, the Republican Party has become associated with something awesome: lesbian strippers.  This, as opposed to molesting pages or hypocritical rest stop solicitations. You’re young and hip now! Or at least you can be. Phone Meghan McCain and ask her to do a spring break speech tour, featuring bikinis and Austrian economics. Let Mitt Romney co-sponsor a bill subsidizing the leather industry. Or something.

4) Reinvent the brand. That creepy John McCain smile and saying “my friendsh” all the time is a losing strategy (Although, “my lesbian friendsh” might be more effective.) But you need a younger campaign with a fresher message. Your ads should look  more like this:

The New Face of the Republican Party

So, in closing, if you want to be successful you have to change a lot of things, but a good place to begin is by being more open. I think people respect you coming out in favor of boobs. Now you should come out in favor of equality for all people of any sexual preference.

Sincerely, the twitter guy.

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